You know there's something wrong when you can't show your own mother your room when she comes to visit her son.
You definitely realize there's something wrong when every time you enter your dorm, your face cringes due to the pungent smell of of the room.
Fortunately, my nasal passages adapt to the smell after being in the room for more than 10 seconds. That is, until I leave and re-enter my room again, and that SAME pungent smell of sex, sweat, and cum re-enters my nose; thus, creating the John-Andy cycle of nasal readaptation.
Everyone always asks me how I deal with my roommate situation. I always answer with, "It's no big deal." Until my last couple of weeks here, I realized that the only reason why I thought that way was because I was introduced to the dorm life this way, thinking everyone went through the same thing I did. But man...was I wrong.
What exactly is the roommate situation and dorm life that I was exposed to?
Well, I live in a building called Dykstra Hall. This is the oldest residence hall at UCLA. The rooms are small, carpeting is old, but the people here are great: social, friendly, and smart. Everything you look for in a significant other, you can find it here. I live in a triple, with THREE bunks beds. Hear that? THREE living spaces, but FOUR people live in room. How is that possible? I mean, that fourth person would have to sleep on the floor, or even worse, share a twin-sized bunk bed with one of my roommates.
Turns out, that fourth roommate is a girl. Her name is Caitlin, and she does sleep on the same bed as my other roommate, Phil. Here she is:
This is what I see every morning when I wake up. yay! Sometimes at night, I have trouble falling asleep, but thank god I have Phil and Caitlin sleeping under me to send gentle vibrations that rock me to sleep.
Here's Andy. He's super chill. Very clean person. Good roomie to have. Before coming to UCLA, I wasn't exposed to many white people, so I found them quite intimidating. Before the school year started, I was terrified because both my roommates were white! Turns out, Andy is harmless. The only difference is that he's 2 feet taller than me. Thanks Andy, if it weren't for you, I never would've gotten over this little fear of mine.
Here's Phil. He's a pretty cool guy, but, like any other person, has a couple of flaws. When you sign up for roommate preferences, there's a section about your cleanliness.
Cleaning Habits: How would you rate your cleanliness?You see, UCLA forgot to add a FILTHY Messy button, because that's where he would be rated.
Other than the countless sexiles this year, the cum/sweat smell, beer and alcohol spills, messiness, vomit stains, uninvited guests, dust bunnies the size of real bunnies, multicellular organisms/eukaryotes/fungi growing on Phil's desk, bras and shit-stained thongs on the ground, and fruit flies everywhere, my first year with these guys was fun. Thanks room 644!
After living with Phil and Caitlin for so long, Andy and I actually got to know what it would have been like if they weren't there. It was the last week of school, and Phil and Caitlin left early.
So what do you get when Phil and Caitlin move out and only John and Andy are left?
You could actually see our floor!
-Average John.
p.s. Though I may seem bitter, I do love all my roommates.
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