Average Pet Peeves

Hey y'all,

It's been a while, but I suddenly felt this urge to rant about a pet peeve of mine. Everybody has pet peeves. I'm no different. What is a pet peeve? I would define it as something that irritates the heck out of you. Something so annoying that it tickles your pickle in a non-sexual manner. Yes, it's that bad.

I've become somewhat of a ranter as of late so here's Average John's rant. My pet peeve is when people tell me how I should eat,

"John! Chew with your mouth closed. That's so gross!"

AAHHHHHHH! Who are you to tell me how I should chew my food? You don't hear me telling you,

"Hey, stop that! Ew, chew with your mouth open, please! I want to see what kind of food you're chewing. Share the wealth, you selfish jerk!"

Can you say

Just because the majority of people chew with their mouth closed doesn't mean that what I'm doing is "incorrect." So what if people with asthma breathe more heavily than others? So what if people pick their nose in public? So what if my roommate farts all the time?


















Every time he-who-must-not-be-named would fart, my other roommate, Bryan, would spray his butt with Febreeze until it's wet.
I used to be on Bryan's side, but I now realize that this classifies as cruel and unusual punishment. Kyle, here's my public apology for chastising you in doing something people aren't used to. I'm sorry. Fart all you want. Be free like a butterfly. Expand that hole as you please. You have my permission.

So here's my public announcement to those who have told me to chew with my mouth closed: I'm going to smack my lips and chew flamboyantly as I please, and I won't give a hoot what you say. So that ends my random ranting about pet peeves.

Happy New Year!

-Average John